Thursday, February 14, 2008

Struggling to Drown

For the three of you that read this blog regularly, I thank you. I feel like Flight of the Conchords with such an enormous fan base- please, Mel, don't ever leave me.

If you have just happened across this, or if I later become a world-famous blogger and you are just diving DEEP into the archives for more stuff to read after being left hungry for more whining about my god-forsaken hair, how much Megan despises me now that she is a teenager, or my seemingly endless griping about how I've ruined yet ANOTHER roll of 120 film by trying to shoot with it, then I welcome you, and just know that this post may make NO sense to you whatsoever.

There is the potential for a HUGE life change for me and my family. On the Richter scale, it's a 16. One of the difficulties of this giant change is that it is 99.999% out of our control. We have been braced, and waiting for the final YES or NO on this change since about July of 2007. The phrase "I promise you will have an answer in two weeks" has been delivered at least four times to us, and every time the two weeks pass and we sit with no answer.

Sounds frustrating, right? You have no idea.

Stupid, seemingly mundane decisions (like, should we buy a Wii?) are on hold. Larger decisions (like, should we buy a new car?) are on hold. Major life decisions (like, do I go into business with another photographer and start doing all of this FOR REAL and FOR MONEY?) are on hold. To make matters worse, I am one of those kinds of people who feel better AFTER a decision is made, I don't normally suffer from loads of post-decision remorse, and I really don't like to have many things in limbo. Decide. Boom. Done. Procrastinate on acting. That's my MO, baybee.

So, to try and cope with this giant and menacing beast, I am putting structure (I know, GASP! What? Structure in Kari's life?) in places where I wouldn't normally, girders to hold up the parts of my life that are normally so fancy-free and flexible. I am throwing myself into photography projects and booking sessions to fill the hours I would normally sit, watching television and nurturing the beast that asks "When will we know? I mean, REALLY know? A solid YES or NO answer so we can really start worrying and celebrating and planning?" I am counting calories and charting my meals to keep my eating habits, which normally are healthy but have deteriorated to a terrible soothing habit lately, under control.

I have made at least one decision that I don't know will improve my overall life situation, but it seems like a quick fix for smaller pains I am suffering- I have taken a new job at the hospital which has a more flexible schedule, access to better benefits, and some nerdy luxuries my current post lacks. Am I going to really like this job? Who knows. Will I like it more than I do my current job? Absolutely- I have little esteem for my current position, so that's not a huge hurdle. If it doesn't seem so bad, why on earth am I stressing about it? Because I have all this completely unfocused stress that has NO PLACE to go, so why not aim it at this?

Good lord. I need to take up boxing or something. According to the calorie website, blogging doesn't burn enough to cancel out the giant cupcake I ate at lunch.


Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...


I'm not entirely certain what this life changing thing is but I can guess.

It's whether or not you're going to get tivo, right?

Just get it. Even if you aren't approved for financing it is totally worth it.

But really, whatever happens will be right because that's how destiny/God/karma/Buddah works. Unless you don't believe in destiny/God/karma/Buddah. Then you should just buy the tivo and watch Project Runway. It's very distracting.

Kari said...